Making a Big Deal Out Of It

There's a man that comes into where I work and I can't stand him.

Where I work now is great. I enjoy it a lot. It's a coffee shop and, while I don't like coffee, I enjoy the idea of it and learning more about it, etc. But that doesn't matter. Whether it's a great job or a bad one, there will always be horrible customers. Maybe this should go in another blog called Horrible Customers. ...nah.

Let's start from the beginning. When I first helped this man, I remember him saying something to me about how death and karma are optional. I believe his exact words were "Death and karma are optional." He bought a burrito (we serve 'lite fare' as well) but accused our oven of not being one (he thought it was a microwave) and told us to toast it. Which takes forever and, when you think about how burritos are usually cooked, toasting or baking it wouldn't work anyway. So if you don't happen to have a range and frying pan on hand, microwaving, as horrible as it sounds, is probably the best thing for your dumb tortilla stuffed with old food. But hey, that's not so bad. Someone saying weird stuff and griping about how they'd like their burrito cooked...no big deal. Happens all the time.

Well, this man soon becomes a regular. But not a regular customer. Oh, no. He's a regular freeloader, a real mooch, a rotten loiterer. We have free wireless fidelity (wi-fi) at the shop for those who have laptops and such, but we also supply a computer as well. Just one. And this man, I'm pretty sure he thinks it's his. He begins coming in nightly, staying until we close (which is late) and doing something on that computer the whole time. He's plugging in shit and whipping out his little laptop (turns out he's got one anyway) and he has all these bags. He's not a homeless guy if that's what you're thinking. A lot of stuff, in fact, looks quite expensive. He wears these expensive-looking outdoor jackets and clothes and has fancy name-brand luggage. Anyway, he's a regular guy basically. And while he's doing all this, he's not paying. He doesn't buy anything. He comes in at five and leaves at ten when we close without purchasing a thing.

I let this go for one night and of course us co-workers talk about this man and how he's a bother but we don't really ever say anything. The next nite this happens, he's been in for a good couple hours and hasn't bought anything yet so I go up to him and just tell him he needs to buy something.

Here's the thing. We kind of have lots of people that come in and never buy anything. But usually, they're with other people and they're just talking in the corner or something and it's not really a big deal or anything. We tell ourselves that if they were taking space from paying customers then yeah, we'd tell them to buy something, but we usually have enough room. So we just leave it. But this guy isn't like that, plus he's awkward and uncomfortable and just dumb. Let me tell you what I mean.

So tell I him he needs to buy something and he says he's fine with his water bottle. Idiot. I say, "No, you have to buy something." (I say more than this but you know what I mean) So nonchalantly, he says he might get some tea in while. Moron. Eventually he does. But so what? I still hate him. He's still all weird and everything.

Well, the next nite he comes in and does the same thing. I decide not to say anything because I know he knows. He knows he should buy something. I just told him last the nite before. But he never does. Minutes after we close and he's packing up his shit I tell him that we reserve our computer for paying customers. He looks at me and, well that's it. He just looks at me. I can't stand him. I don't care if I have a problem. This man flat out bothers me.

He doesn't show up for a while. But we soon figure out why. The coffee shop I work at is attached to a hotel. There's an entrance straight to the shop and also through the hotel. If you go into the hotel from the shop, a couple doors down there is a the breakfast room which has tables and a couple televisions and it's always open...for guests of the hotel. Clearly. It's in the hotel. Well, one nite, after we've closed, my co-worker and I pass by the breakfast room and see him in there hanging out. We tell the front desk that there's an idiot upstairs.

I soon find out that the owner of the hotel confronted the man (in the breakfast room with all the lights off) and told him everything and the man stammered on about...whatever. Anyway, that got taken care of. He now buys stuff.

Well time goes on and we don't seem for a little while. And then recently he shows up again. He still sets up camp around the computer for all hours of the evening, but he buys stuff. So that's great, right?

No, he's still a retard. He complains about everything. About how the bathroom smells, about the music being all wrong, about the food or our coffee or whatever. Shut up, already. One nite he complained about the music sounding too depressing so I changed it, like a saint. The very next nite he said it was too "drummy." Could we change it to something a little more mellow? he asked. I looked at him, and I had had it with this ____. I said no. He seemed confused and asked again, explaining why. I said no, I like this station. "Oh. Did you change it earlier? Or...?" Oh brother. "Yes. I changed it."And then I just tell him, "Nothing's ever really perfect for you is it?" I say this somewhat jokingly. Hell, nothing's ever perfect for me either. But I don't care. "How do you mean?" he asks. So I tell him. I tell him he's always whining about stuff and I give examples and I say that if I change it now, he'll just whine again later. By now, I don't care I'm telling him this stuff. He says something like that's not how he sees it; he's just asking a simple request. And then walks off. Then we get a complaint from him about the music. But no one cares. We all know who he is. Front desk knows he is. The owner knows he is. All of the coffee shop employees know who he is.

And no one cares. No one gives a shit about this moronic human being and I love it.

Be professional. Pt. 2.

Next post will be about roommates again. I promise. From me it will be anyway. But trust me, if you worked where I do, that would probably be the center of your misery as well. It just gets worse and worse. I've tried looking for another job, but it's no good. No one's called. Oh please, oh please, someone, please call back. Please call me and hire me. Take me away, I beg of you, from this place, this godforsaken hellhole. God is not present where I work. He is absent. He's absent from two places -- Hell and Suckway.

So, since the first post about this place, a good two months ago, much has happened that is worthy of note. First of all, I'm happy to announce that the notes have been getting less and less. Of course, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this -- the managers simply don't come there anymore. If they do, it's to look at the freezer that's been broken for three weeks, say some stupid things, grab some free food, and then leave in their industrial strength pick-up trucks. That's right, for nearly a month, our freezer was busted. It was almost as cool as the refridgerator. I'm pretty sure we were breaking all kinds of FDA rules. So what do we do? Lie in the temp checks? I guess so. It's okay to sin here, though, because, as I said before, even God doesn't go there. Anyway, the thing is apparently fixed now. So...thanks guys up top. You all showed some great managing skills during that terrible crisis where most of our food was ruined. One day, when I'm a moronic manager like you, I'll use you guys as my role model. Whatever anyone else teaches me, I'll simply throw out the window...because that's clearly what you've all done.

Hmm...what else. Ah yes, cameras. Surveillance. That's right, they can finally watch us and actually see how busy it gets while they leave me there all alone each and every nite. It's hilarious how many cameras they put in. The place is really a pretty small store, but there is definitely six cameras up and running, watching our every move. Rumor has it that four can record audio. We certainly haven't censored ourselves, believe you me. I'm still waiting for that phone call from them telling me that I shouldn't eat that cookie, even if it's broken or old or stale or burnt. And that's when I get to ask them why they only have five people currently employed at our store and why they only care about productivity.

Here's the thing with them and why we're always rushed. As I said, we only have five people working now. And those five people always work. I let my supervisor know tonite that I'm sick of this and what the heck is their problem? Why haven't they hired more people? This is ridiculous. He told me that as long as productivity is high and workers are low...they're making good money. I mean, it makes sense (cents. ha). We're getting loads of customers and they only have to pay for a couple people working there at a time. Sure. We'll take care of it. Don't worry about the people actually running your--

But I'm still there. And it's all I've got. So as miserable as it makes me, I gotta find something good in it. Mmhmm. This post will actually have a happy ending. Most customers are morons. But some aren't. Some come in and are regulars and tip me every time because I help them out and they feel bad I'm the only one there. Alot of times a couple will come in and the guy will joke around with me about how it sucks they leave me there alone like that or something. They allright.